I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
