Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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