grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
