So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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