Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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