dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
