he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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