Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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