my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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