Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
