The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
