i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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