I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
