just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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