My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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