Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
