This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
