either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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