After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
