hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
