There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
