from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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