He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
