I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
