I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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