FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
