I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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