i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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