do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
