to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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