My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
So many bounce houses so little time
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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