I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
