chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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