lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
