Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Success! We fucked roommates!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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