you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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