I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
