The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Randomize
