What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I deserve this hangover.
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