There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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