i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
