; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm gonna have a badass scar
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
