yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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