I just threw up on my dentist
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
