I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
