why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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