if i can run in heels then i can drive
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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