I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Randomize
