I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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