every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
