I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
