I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
