I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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