1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
