So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
