can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
