If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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