Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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