I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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