I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
i've created a new STD.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
