The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
