he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize