apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
