he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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