Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
