WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
