I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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